


Critical Roll: A Bake Off AU

by aexhalted



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Great British Bake Off Fusion, Bad Puns, Gen, Non-Binary Mollymauk, Only slightly crack fic, Really Bad Puns, baker's warning for soggy bottoms, i make no apologies, im not kidding about these puns, no betas or proof we die like man, only romance if you squint, will have non-binary keyleth next chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 18:51:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14837237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aexhalted/pseuds/aexhalted
Summary: “Decisions decisions,” muttered Caleb, fists full of bread, “all of them wrong.”the great tal'dorei bake off that exactly nobody wanted, but it's what you're gettingplease hang up your disbelief at the door





	Critical Roll: A Bake Off AU

**Author's Note:**

> This is a barrel of fun to write.  
> Edit!! I'm currently up to my tiefling horns in university work, so uh. this is gonna be on the back burner a while. gimme time, and if anyone is feeling inspired by it, please feel free to have a crack at c.r./gbbo content!! if you do, pls pls pls show me bc nothing fails to make me smile mid-uni breakdown than the idea of the mighty nein collectively failing to bake a cake. (i'm @lucinaexhalted on tumblr!!)
> 
> Here's some fun admin:  
> Judges: Matt Mercer (Mary) and Brian Foster (Paul)  
> Hosts: Gilmore  
> This is a gen fic, but i have a weakness for fjord/jester, so if you squint, there should be their flirty undertones. i make no promises if you can't see it though. i myself am shortsighted in flirting and in physical eye quality. I've written they/them pronouns for mollymauk and keyleth because I wanted to and I can. Enjoy my friends!

The heat was high in the white baking marquee that stood in a field off of Westruun, as the fresh batch of the Great Bake Off’s contestants busied themselves into the first hour of the signature bake challenge.

“In theory, caraway seed and ginger sounded smashing in a cake.” Mollymauk dumped a handful of flour into the bowl. “Probably should have tried baking it before I got here, I’ll admit that to you freely.” they grinned at the camera, scratching the top of their horns with the flour hand, giving their vibrant visage the a further dusting.

Gilmore was working his way around the tent for soundbites and banter, coming around to one of the shorter contestants. “So, Nott, what’s your signature bake for us this week”, his lilted voice at odds with the woman’s hoarse reply

“Gin. and some tonic, I suppose” the small green woman seemed to add the mixer as an afterthought, as she clattered a spoon about a saucepan.

“Will there be any cake served, or just hard liquor?” the host grinned.

Nott looked down her section of kitchen. “Oh, I should probably make the cake soon, shouldn’t I?” she rasped, pottering over to the fridge with her eggs and butter in.

Gilmore turned to the cameraman behind him, eyebrows to his hairline.

\--

“Erm, excuse me ma’am, you appear to have a wayward lemon.” A polite voice sounded by her shoulder. Vex whipped around to look, to find herself face to face with a slightly fluffy lemon segment and a calloused hand holding it.

“Ah, thank you.” She said, grabbing the fruit and tossing it into the sink, and sent her attention back to her cake batter.

“I, ah, well, my name is Percival.” said Percival, hands fumbling over themselves. “I believe you’re Vex’ahlia from our brief introduction earlier.”

“I am indeed” she said, staring at her imbalanced scales like they’d personally wronged her mother.

“I better get back to my bake, but it was - pleasing to make your acquaintance” his eye caught the camera and his brain so decided to spill out the formalities he was trained into. He felt some part of his soul cringe a little.

“I’m pretty stuck into my bake right now,” Vex’ahlia didn’t look up from her work station. “But I can talk more over lunch”, she said, a ghost of a smile on her face.

Percy turned back to his station and beamed at his jar of cardamom. 

\---

“Whatcha reading there, Jester?” Fjord looked across the aisle at his tiefling neighbour. 

“My recipe! The Traveller gave me this cool idea, I think the judges will really like it.” Jester busied herself with her mixing bowl and her jars of ingredients, and a large bag with a spoon stuck in the top.

“If you don’t mind my askin’, Jester, what’s in that bag there?” Fjord had already seen her add the flour. 

“It’s the sugar for my cake - you know, I asked the traveller what he would like in my cake, and I decided he’d like sugar.” With that, she lifted up the sack of sugar and started pouring into the bowl. 

Fjord caught the judges going back to her bake for second servings.

\---

With 40 minutes left of the signature bake, renowned judge Matthew Mercer was pacing at the front of the marquee. Beau, waiting for her cake to bake, let her eyes follow his restless steps. The judge’s thoughts could only have been off in the clouds as he picked up one of the spare oranges from the Madeira cake challenge, and bit straight into it. 

Beauregard watched in horror as her cookery idol continued to commit the heinous crime of eating an unpeeled orange. Her gaze never leaving the judge, she edged across the isle to prod at her neighbour. “Yasha. Please tell me you’re seeing Mercer right now.”

The woman looked up. Beau would have sworn on old Xenoth’s grave that she heard the smallest gasp of horror. 

\---

“I’m sorry, Scanlan, to see your time here cut so short!” Gilmore wrapped the gnome up in a hug, leaving small feet kicking wayward in the air.

“Ah, no matter!” Scanlan said, eyes bright. “My true passion lies in music and making sweet, velvety, passionate lo-” 

His sentence was stifled by both Gilmore and fellow contestant Pike trying to slam their hands over the profanity leaving his mouth, and the loud and layered laughter filling the tent to the brim.


End file.
